d100 – Seemingly Sensible Advice Found in a Strange Setting

EITHER roll d100 once and just read across both entries OR roll twice and match the advice to where it is found. The idea is that the advice, whilst sound in general, is unnerving in its specific place; it ought to get the minds of the characters racing at least. Some of the advice (e.g. Entry 4) is deliberately open to interpretation. Whether ANY of it makes sense is up to the GM in specific situations; if it doesn’t, it is meant to distract the characters into making mistakes or being over cautious.

d100 The advice Where it is found
1 Keep this locked, whatever you see, hear, or happens! Scrawled across the windows of a mosaic depicting a villa on the shores of a lake.
2 No-one shorter than three feet tall should touch this. Doodled using soot on a copper coffer placed beneath an ash box.
3 Keep this as cool as a bog.  But not as wet as one. Aroma seems to be irrelevant. Picked out in blue in the hardened wax around the base of a large crimson candle.
4 Don’t keep this where anyone lives for long or it’ll be ruined. Scribbled in fading ink at one end of six-foot long table with an arrow along its length.
5 Ensure this is kept immersed in (UNREADABLE LIQUID) until it fades. The symbols are dents hammered into the inside of the bottom of a bucket.
6 Ensure this is kept shrouded in (UNREADABLE GAS) until it hardens. Painted in rough letters across the face of a mirror showing an out-of-focus reflection.
7 Ensure this is kept closed tightly. Its freedom bodes ill for whoever last touched it. Stitched carefully into the lid of a canvas map case that holds…something.
8 This should always be drier than a desert. But not as hot as one. Branded onto one end of a barrel that may be upside down. It “sloshes” if turned over.
9 If there’s no air circulating, blow on this for a while or else! Griffonage covers this blanket, although the substance used isn’t clear.
10 If this isn’t wet, it should be! Ignore it at your peril if it isn’t! Congealed blood forms the letters on the message on this straw basket.
11 It’s best for us all if this stays away from air. If it’s in air, beware. Inked hastily across the lid of a yew box that proves to be a healer’s kit if opened.
12 This should always be free to move, or it may take you with it. Worked into the surface of one of a pair of stout blocks. The tackle is absent.
13 Nothing anyone or anything might choose to eat should touch this. Incised into the seat of a leather saddle that would fit a heavy warhorse.
14 Make sure the antithesis of this never comes into close proximity of it! Gouged into the largest piece in a sizeable bundle of still-green firewood.
15 Don’t let anything warmer than this come into contact with it. Anything! Chased into thin petals of copper and attached to a set of brass scales.
16 Whatever could set this alight should be kept at least 15 feet away. Noted down on the collar of an entertainer’s outfit. Two of its buttons are missing.
17 If no smoke touches this, there’ll be no fire! But if some does… Composed to fit precisely inside the band of a signet ring set with a ruby.
18 Nothing that might burn should touch this, because it will! Imprinted in bold letters on the inside of the “hood” of a hooded lantern.
19 Handle this with great care; it shouldn’t come apart in your hands. Formed from nails carefully tacked to the inside of both wheels of a wooden cart.
20 Eating and drinking near this isn’t the best idea, we found. Pricked into the hardened crust of an old loaf of potato bread.
21 Neither you nor anything else should smoke if you’re within a dozen feet of this. Engraved into the lid of a “golden” censer that turns out to be brass when used.
22 If there’s dust around, don’t breathe! If there isn’t, watch out for it appearing. Scratched into a glass bottle which also has a “poison” symbol with a line through it on it.
23 Breathing any of this thing’s fumes isn’t sensible or sense enhancing. Scrimshawed onto a fist-sized ivory flask that has a thick wax seal over the metal bung.
24 Whatever may spray from this, avoid it no matter what it costs you to do so! Punched into the leather of a waterskin that hasn’t been used for about a year.
25 You can touch this, unless it’s with your own, or anything else’s, skin. Hide gloves too! Shaped and solidified snake tongues form the words on a flask that holds acid.
26 This, or anything it emits, shouldn’t come in contact with your eyes! Nothing, I say. Impressed into the length of what appears potentially to be an unused smokestick.
27 If this somehow reaches your eyes, best call for a cleric first and then wash them second. Marked clearly on a flask that has some kind of unusual holy symbol beneath the message
28 If you touch this, remove any clothing that was within five feet of it. Blue and green mold are tattooed into the rind of a large hunk of cheese.
29 If you touch this, you must wash in (UNREADABLE LIQUID) immediately! Embossed into the blue-scaled collar on the neck of what may be a dead hellhound.
30 I was told to keep this out of the cesspit, and I say the same to you! It’s not worth it! Petrified fingers, attached to a crumbling shoulder blade, spell out the message
31 If you decide to get ANY liquid on this, even water, you’re braver than me! Scriven on a once-broken wooden holy symbol that has been repaired very poorly.
32 There should be static when this moves. If it’s static, move it so there’s static. Stamped onto the underside of both dishes that are parts of a set of merchant’s scales.
33 Get rid of this safely. It’s still here, and I’m not, because I didn’t… Jotted down on a piece of parchment that is placed beneath a topaz-colored whetstone.
34 Wear at least (UNREADABLE CLOTHING) if you want to touch this, or else… Printed on a two-inch square of white cloth that is still attached to ripped black silk.
35 Gloves required, preferably made of (UNREADABLE MATERIAL), to move this. Burnt into the front of a clerical miter that is placed over a constantly warm pitcher.
36 If the air’s bad wear a mask when you touch this. If it’s good, best not to touch it… Recorded on the inside of a three-layer hood that has only two holes for eyes in it.
37 Face away, or at least shut your eyes, if you touch this… Traced lightly, as if from a distance, on the shaft of a still-useable sunrod.
38 Clean everything within five feet with (UNREADABLE LIQUID) if you touch this. Scraped scruffily beneath the keyhole of a locked box holding electrum manacles.
39 If touched, this may explode. Then the air for 50 feet won’t be breathable for a while… Chalked in bright orange on a rusty iron cube that has dark green ashes in it.
40 If you’ve got the inhibiting spray for this, remember to wear a mask when you use it. The message is daubed on a two-foot-wide balloon of sheep’s stomach with three pipes.
41 If this happens to catch fire, put it out with (UNREADABLE LIQUID), but never water! Inscribed on a block of charred bone with the remains of aquatic scales and skin in place.
42 If you’re accidentally injured get help quick. But nothing should happen, not now… Carved deeply into the lower bout of an expensive violin with razor-sharp strings.
43 If you feel unwell, get the cleric to check you. But if you don’t, it’ll probably be nothing… Written clearly in silver around the rim of a battered, or at least well-used, cooking pot.
44 I avoided swallowing any of this, but go get a cleric if you don’t manage to do so. Scribed onto what looks like a bottle of fine wine, but that hisses (not fizzes) if opened.
45 The room’s temperature is perfect for this. Any other much less so. Effects vary… Stenciled onto the lid of a tin box that holds a single seed pod the size of a human head.
46 Douse this with liquid (UNREADABLE SUBSTANCE) at least once a day, or avoid! Cut into the skin of a stuffed aquatic creature that is an amalgam of several cephalopods.
47 If you move this, keep it in the (UNREADBLE MATERIAL) container next door. Sewn in fine copper wire into a bag full of sludge. The message holds the bag together.
48 Do not touch this with anything the same as it, or even like it. The words are on both sides of a magnifying glass, forward one side, backward the other.
49 Open all the windows and doors before touching this. Especially the windows… The message is etched into the roof of a six-floor model castle.
50 This shouldn’t be inside for too long. If it has been, who knows what has changed? Oil from this lantern has dripped and cooled to form the message on the inner base.
51 This shouldn’t be in contact with anything largeish. As a gnome, I made this mistake… Punched onto the palm of a dissected hand roped to a door handle. The marks are green.
52 Before touching, follow the instructions from earlier on! Embossed onto the links of a 30-link long chain, two letters per link.
53 If you have to touch this, wear the (UNREADABLE ITEM) in the other room. Floridly composed on a canvas bag holding a haunch of indiscriminate dragon meat.
54 Once you’ve used this, drop it in the deep pit further along the corridor. Worked into the softest edge of a clay tablet showing a poor-quality map of the area.
55 If this doesn’t work properly, quickly give it to the mimic you found and sat on earlier! Congealed blood used to leave the message on the lid of a heavily battered healer’s kit.
56 If you don’t like what this does, or how it does it, wreck it in the acid trap at the entrance. Doodled in yellow on the case of a partially-dismantled lock made of scorched tin.
57 Once out of here, this will damage any other environment…or habitat… Scraps of trail rations form words now stuck to a belt and its pouch holding violet mold.
58 If this isn’t in its container, find out why and put the matter to rights within the hour! Precise but very faint calligraphy covers each item of a masterwork kit of artisan’s tools.
59 To move this, or even touch it, follow the instructions in the hexagonal chamber. Tattooed in softly glowing vermillion ink on the groundsheet of a torn, ivy-hued tent.
60 If this doesn’t seem to be hazardous, be more wary than if it does. Petrified bird bones. glued together to create the words, float on a rowboat full of water.
61 Whatever you do, don’t let this get away without you having hold of it. Scrimshawed into the statue of a galloping horse made from a large beast’s leg bones.
62 If you haven’t got the parchment explaining how this works, go back and get it. Hammered skillfully into a signal whistle that releases small filings of rust from within it.
63 If this disappears and you start gagging, don’t vomit under any circumstances! Pricked out in white on the skin of a three-inch round, sapphire-and-lime-colored slug.
64 If you start to sneeze when you touch this, change the air immediately! Impressed into a sealed, partially inflated rubber bag that sighs if the seal is removed.
65 If touched, only help the toucher if they fall unconscious or worse. Scriven on the back of a steel mirror that seems to show reflections one second late.
66 Be ready with the (UNREADABLE ITEM) if you mean to touch this. Painted in large white letters across a mural depicting a night sky with glowing planets.
67 If nothing happens when you touch this leave here immediately! Stamped across the face of an empty water clock, its hands stuck just before midnight.
68 Whoever tingles least near this has the best chance to touch it. Imprinted on a copper plate attached to a sickle completely made of amber.
69 Don’t touch this for more than four seconds. If you do, hold it for four hours. Noted down in spidery script on the lid of a battered oil lamp with virtually no wick left.
70 If you touch this, the paranoia later on is probably justified, whatever it is… Stitched using damp lotus petioles into the structure of a part-used reed torch.
71 Once you touch this, you or it must always be in contact with the ground for at least a day. Scribbled across the top of a bill of fare from an inn in a town several hundred miles away.
72 Best kept out of sunlight, moonlight or starlight except on (UNREADABLE DAY). Picked out in deep black thread on a rug with a vibrant image of a rainbow on it.
73 Keep all bright sparks at least 20 feet away from this. Incised imprecisely across the chest and back of a pristine straw target practice dummy.
74 If you become irritated after touching this, get a cleric within the hour! Marked using grey inked on a set of bagpipes that squirm a little if prodded or picked up.
75 This is meant to be frozen. DO NOT allow it to thaw out! Scrawled across the front of an electrum box that changes temperature every minute.
76 We were told this explodes, but it didn’t while we were here. Jotted in the margin of a book showing ways to cook tiny aerial beasts.
77 Sometimes this leaks (UNREADABLE GAS), but only stop it if you have enough breath. Printed in small letters on the base of the only intact flask in an alchemist’s laboratory.
78 If you’ve touched the (UNREADABLE ITEM) in stone room, stay several feet away from this. Solidified humanoid lips, attached to a dried-out gelatinous cube, shape each letter.
79 If you take this with you, store it in a corrosive resistant container. Gouged into the lime plaster that coats an 8-foot-tall clay sculpture of a rearing ankheg.
80 This needs to be washed in (UNREADABLE SUBSTANCE) before it can be touched or used Branded on a hide map case that reeks of marsh gas and fouled water.
81 Best to move this from at least six feet away. You’ll be safe from the worst then I think. Recorded on the front flap of a canvas backpack that looks brand new.
82 If anything happens, get the victim to fresh air and wrap them in something wet. Daubed on a stone wall by a 12-inch round alcove that is clearly very damp wood.
83 If this produces any particles, brush them off quickly, and don’t let them get even damp! Traced in the dust of a drawer that is one-fifth open. Two further drawers are closed.
84 Take a rest after touching this, the longer the better we found… Inscribed on the lid of a box of dead coral that holds a pink silk cushion cover.
85 Whatever you do in response to touching this, do so gently. Take your time! Chalked along the length of a four-foot ebony rod that hums when a hand nears it.
86 After touching this, don’t be afraid of what others say to you for an hour or so. Inked on a long, otherwise blank scroll. Each end is rolled clockwise, forming an ‘S’ shape.
87 After touching and using this, the rash isn’t as bad as it looks for most people. Chased on a table next to a square of rotting scales with thin fur still attached to them.
88 If you touch or use this, have someone there to help you through the dreams. Scraped on one side of a seven-sided box made of sheets of different colored glass.
89 Make sure you don’t leave ANY grease or oil on this after you touch it. Engraved on the face of a flat marble pebble about the size of a medium humanoid palm.
90 Do not rub this up the wrong way; it doesn’t respond well to friction. Burnt on the cork of an open bottle of white wine. It is half full – or perhaps half empty…
91 Don’t touch any of this if you are wearing lenses of any kind. A page with grains of rice stuck to it. Each grain has a single letter carved into it.
92 If your clothing is contaminated after touching this, leave it behind no matter what! Scratched on the underside of a porcelain plate that has a large green fungus on it.
93 If this should suddenly ignite, drop everything and leave quickly; come back in an hour. Written in amber ink on the first page inside a tome with a cover of red leather.
94 If something unexpected happens, retreat a reasonable distance and then deal with it. Scribed in a clay pot that holds a tall plant with leaves that move gentle in the still air.
95 Unless I’m completely wrong, this might explode again. Stenciled on a charred label attached to a seemingly empty clear glass bottle.
96 Make sure you collect anything that falls from this because it needs to be complete. Cut into the back of a fragile jigsaw of a mirror that only has small tabs and blanks.
97 There has to be an air gap between you and this at all times, I was told. Ochre thread sewn into the lining of a hat made of griffon and hippogriff feathers.
98 The only thing this can touch for more than five minutes is the opposite of it. An elegant sandglass with the words on the inside of the currently empty section.
99 Before moving this, it’s best to talk with the sage who created it, Acanthus. Etched on one of a dozen linked cogwheels. A small turner is attached to the largest wheel.
100 If you touch this, hopefully you are able to count to ten without anything happening. A wooden candlestick with the words formed from dripped purple wax.

d100 Seemingly Sensible Advice Found in a Strange Setting is just the latest in our long line of d100 random tables. Get in the comments and let us know if you use them!
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